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One day, a few months after their marriage, Amit asked Sunita, “Will you tell me the truth if I ask you something?” Suntia said, “Yes.” “Are you willing to keep your hand over the head of the child in your womb and promise that you will tell me truth ?” asked Amit. Sunita said, “Yes,” wondering what he wanted to ask. “Tell me if you had any relationship with any man before the marriage,” demanded Amit.  Now Sunita was cornered.

The popular belief is that after such a promise, if she tells a lie touching the head of the child, the child will die. “Would you mind if I tell you the truth?” Sunita wanted to know.  Amit said, “No.” “I had loved a boy when I was in college,” said Sunita.   “Tell me if you were intimate?” Amit insisted.  “Yes,” said Sunita. “Did you have physical relationship?” Amit wanted to  know clearly.  “Yes!” Sunita confessed.

In these modern times we pretend to be modern. But our mindsets are extremely traditional, steeped in superstitions and false beliefs. The younger generation does not seem to be much better than the old in this regard.

Amit did not say anything more. His silence was worrying Sunita. She understood that he did not take it well. But she did not dare to ask him how he felt and went to sleep. When she woke up the next morning Amit was not by her side. She went out to look for him and found his body hanging on a tree.

This was a story published in The Telegraph on August 15, 2009. We came across another girl, Bina whose case was almost identical, perhaps more pathetic.

A boy was in love with Bina. He used to write letters after letters and tried many times to meet her. But she avoided him.  She was not interested to be involved in a love affair. But the boy would not give up.   Finally Bina began to feel guilty. She thought that it was wrong on her part to refuse the boy’s sincere love.  So she responded.  They used to meet in a secluded place.

This went on for some time and then the  boy wanted to become physical. She resisted that. “Not before marriage,” she said.  One day he was so infatuated that he could not control  himself.  He used force and raped her.  Bina was very much upset and did not want to have anything to do with the boy any more.  The boy too did not meet her after that.

That was a few year ago. When she got married Bina feared that her husband might reject her if he came to know about her past love. She thought that after winning his confidence she would explain to him and beg pardon from him. She was waiting for an opportunity to do that. But what happened was far beyond what she could ever imagine.

After the husband’s suicide, Bina was totally shattered. The first boy whom she loved robbed her of her most precious possession. The second  one whom she chose to be her life-mate made her a widow within a few months of marriage after making her pregnant. Over and above that she became the object of everybody’s scorn. The worst was the rejection by her own parents. Now she is totally devastated and her life irreparably ruined. But why should it happen like this? Is it because she is a woman ?

Love marriage was rare in our society. In the past boys and girls rarely fell in love. That is changing now. As they fall in love, they may also fall out of love. The first love seldom lasts. It is called ‘puppy love’. Usually the first love is only an attraction or infatuation. After some time the attraction wanes and the infatuation subsides.  Mature love comes later. Everybody is aware of this in those countries where boys and girls usually chose their own partners. So, they are open to having partners who had a previous love.

In India before marriage nobody asks a boy if he is a virgin. But when it comes to girls, she has to be a spotless virgin. The boy may have flirted with many girls. But when he wants to choose a life-partner he too will insist on having a girl who never looked at any man. Why this difference? Why this discrimination?

In these modern times we pretend to be modern. But our mindsets are extremely traditional, steeped in superstitions, false beliefs and attitudes. The younger generation does not seem to be much better than the old in this regard. They want to be modern when it comes to themselves. But while judging others they are very traditional. When are we going to change ? When are we going to value true love ? Bina did love her husband.  But did he love her? If he did, he would have acknowledged her love instead of digging into her past.

There is one more important thing to be noted. Openness does not mean  telling everything that is in the heart. Those who are married for many years know that it is not possible to say everything to the spouse, however robust their mutual understanding may be. There should room for privacy in any relationship and that should be respected.  Intruding into someone’s the privacy is lack of respect.  A mature husband will be satisfied to dwell in the present and be satisfied that the wife loves him now.

Once the marriage has been solemnised,  the bond should be considered as  sacrosanct and nothing should come on its way to weaken he bond.

Whatever information is to be communicated should be done before marriage. Hiding any information before marriage is detrimental to the marital life. So too whatever question one may have, should be asked before marriage.

Once the marriage has been solemnised,  the bond should be considered as sacrosanct and nothing should come on its way to weaken the bond. Everyone should have only one concern,  to make sure  that the couple live happily and nothing should be allowed to diminish their happiness.

I remember a story I heard many years ago. A vendor used to sell bananas in a railway station. The buyers ate the bananas and threw the peels here and there.  People rushing to board the trains stepped on the peels, slipped and got hurt.  So, an organisation put up a banner in big letters, “Beware! Don’t step on the banana peals.” That did not help because people were hurrying for the train  and did not even look at the banner.   Another organisation set up a fist aid booth to treat the injured passengers. Everybody praised the organisation for their dedicated service. This went on for some time. Then another organisation got a better idea.   They  kept a dust bin near the banana shop and told the vendor to make sure that all those who bought bananas dropped the peels in the dust bin.  That solved the  problem.

With a proactive mindset and little effort we can prevent domestic violence and marital breakdown.

A similar thing seems to be happening in the social sector these days. Arati’s case is an example. Separated From the husband eight years ago and most of the time sick, she had no income to  support herself and her child of six years. An organisation came forward to help her with a sponsorship for the child. They enrolled her in a self-help group.   Now she is happy that she is able to stand on her own feet and her child is able to go to school. The organisation has been active in the village for over twenty years. Their main activity is rescuing battered women and helping them to stand in life.  They have helped many such women. Some banks also came forward to support the organisation with loans for the SHG groups.

However, the question here is, if this kind of social work is like the story of the banana peels.  Was Aarti’s husband a drunkard when he got married ? What happed in their early married life that drove him to drinking ?  At the time of marriage did he have the intention to beat his wife ? If the organisation were to help the young couple at that time when they were struggling to find their way in their marital relationship,  would it not have saved Arati from becoming dependent on anybody’s kindness?

Young women, some of them married six moths, one year or more,  come to us with the  complaint that the husband is drinking and torturing them. We get both partners for counselling. The husband blames wife. The wife blames the husband.  But both are not able to pinpoint what exactly is the source of the problem. This inability to find the root cause is the crux of the problem.   We help them to sort their problem and then they are happy to find their way in life.

Sumati’s case is a typical example. She was married for twelve years.  She was working and so, had no economic problem. Her complaint was that her husband, Tushar, was rude to her, he was a liar, lazy, drinking, no interest in the family, not bothered about their daughter who is now 10 and so on.  Sumati was totally discouraged and wanted to sue for divorce. But she had difficulty to make up her mind. She said that before marriage her husband lied to her saying that he was drawing a salary of Rs 10000,  his father owned 12 Bigha ( 4 acre) of land and  big house and he was the only heir etc. After marriage, when Sumati came to know that he earned not more than Rs 2000 and owned only a small piece of land and a tiny hut, she was discouraged beyond measure. But she did not say anything. She tried to adjust to the situation and carried on.  But he was indifferent to her from the beginning. She thought he had another love. But she found that there was none. He seemed to be more interested in his friends than her. She could not understand why.

In the process of counselling I found that though it was an arranged marriage. Tushar fell in love with Sumati at the very first sight. But being very poor with very little income while she was more educated and was earning much more than him, he thought that her family would not agree to the marriage if he told the truth. So he lied to her about the salary land etc. He thought that after marriage he would tell her the truth and apologise. He did that and she said it was Ok.  But she was always unhappy, not talking to anyone in the house, very often not wanting to eat and making a long face if anyone asked her anything. She would oblige him for his needs. But her heart was not there.

So, each time instead of feeling satisfied, he felt disgusted. He could not understand what was the cause of her unhappiness. He tried to give her gifts with borrowed money. But that made her the more angry. He was at a loss about how to make her happy.  He was so disheartened that he wanted to kill himself. But his friends dissuaded him. Then he took to drinking. But he never beat his wife. Before marriage he used to be very active and he was the one who would take any initiative in the local club; But with the frustration of marriage he lost interest in everything and was trying somehow to drag on with life.

His mother and other family members could not understand why Sumati was unhappy. But they too did not say anything. Then Sumati wanted to live separate from his parents. That was very painful to Tushar as he was the only child of his parents. He could not think of abandoning them in their old age. But he obliged his wife for the sake of peace. However, separation from the parents did not help to improve their relationship.

After two sessions of counselling, first separate and then together, both of them understood the feelings of each other. Tushar understood how Sumati was disheartened because of his lies about his income and property. Sumati understood that he lied to her because he loved her and wanted her by all means and he still loved her. She also understood how her unhappiness affected him and how disillusioned he had become. I made them understand that it is not a question of blaming either of them but seeing what could be done now to remedy the situation. I told them that they could still make a new beginning and have a happy life. Both agreed to try. Tushar said that he would give up drinking. I told him that it may not be easy. But he should keep trying. Sumati promised to encourage and support him in his effort.  Now,  four months after the counselling, Tushar has given up drinking and they are happy together for the first time in their married life!

 Many young couples struggle hard to get along with each other after marriage, not able to understand each other and not knowing how to make each other happy. Then there is the problem with the in-laws. Organisations can do a great service to these couples by helping them to get over these hurdles. That would be a preventive measure against domestic violence and separation. Instead, if we keep quiet and wait for the marriage to break down and then come to the aid of the women,  we can say that we have ‘rescued’ them; but  can we really say that we have helped these unfortunate women who had a dream of leading a happy family life ? Whom are we actually fooling ?

Such preventive measures may not catch the public eye and bring accolade for the  organisation. These days there is a tendency to look for visibility more than the impact. If long lines of patients line up for medicine before a free dispensary that gets noticed. If people become aware of health, hygiene and preventive measures and do not need much medical care, that is not visible. If a devastating natural calamity occurs, the organisations providing relief get visibility. If the people learn to be prepared for the disaster in advance and so the impact of the hazard is minimised, it may not get much attention. Similarly, those who strive to promote family relationship and prevent marital breakdown get very little notice compared to those who wait for the family to be disintegrated and then take measures to rehabilitate the separated women.

We say, “Prevention is better than cure.” But do we really believe it ?

Rekha (name changed) did not come to me for counselling. Nor did she have any problem. She was engaged in counselling people after getting trained in an institute. She  wanted to get some idea about my way of counselling since she had heard that I conduct training in counselling. While speaking about my model of counselling, I gave some examples without of course disclosing the names. At one point she said that the example I cited  reminded her of an incident in her family life.

After a  month she phoned and thanked me profusely saying that it had become like having a new life. She had become much more cordial with her husband and he too was responding. They were certainly experiencing a new life after nine years!

I told her that she was welcome to speak about it.  She said  that it was a forgotten incident it had no bearing on her marital relationship. She began to narrate the incident with a smile. It had happened nine years ago, two months after her marriage.  As she was narrating, her smile vanished and her face darkened. She stopped talking.

Her eyes were downcast, lips began to tremble and tears began to flow. Immediately I got into a counselling mode and let her bring out the feelings. I helped her to work out the whole thing and she got over it. A smile appeared on her face and she thanked me.

Then she laughed and said that when she came to me she had no intention of having a counselling session with me. I told her that I was happy to have helped her. She added that she did not ever think that this incident had any bearing on their relationship. “We were rather cold towards each other and we thought that it was part of the boredom due to our busy life.

But now I realise that after that incident I could not look at my husband in the same way as before.”    I told  her to think of how her husband would have felt when he was not getting the same kind of spontaneous response from her as he used to do.   “He must have felt disheartened; but he never said anything and we went on as if nothing happened. Now I understand that he too became cold because of me,” she said.

Our mind actually forgets nothing. What we forget remains in our subconscious mind together with feelings we had at that time.  These buried emotions guide our thoughts, attitudes and actions without our knowledge.

I made her understand that every incident leaves  a mark on our mind and if there are negative  feelings, they remain buried deep within as ‘unfinished business’ unless we work them out.   I quoted the words of John Irving, “Your memory is a monster; you forget – it doesn’t. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you – and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!”

Our mind actually forgets nothing. What we forget remains in our subconscious mind together with feelings we had at that time.  If these feelings are negligible they may get wiped out over time. But if they are strong, they keep snowballing.  These buried emotions guide our thoughts, attitudes and actions without our knowledge. But we always find some justifications for our behaviour as Rekha did. She blamed their  busy life for their coldness  towards each other. This is what all of us do. Our busy life is an excuse for our inability to relate to one another.

If  something happens now, we overreact because the suppressed feelings of the forgotten event comes up and adds up to the feelings of the present event. Thus our reaction becomes disproportionate to the present incident. Actually we are unconsciously reacting to  the past event in the context of the present event. Later we regret for our reaction. But the harm is already done as our partner got put off by our exaggerated reaction.

Rekha was happy to undergo a counselling session with me as it helped her to see what happens in counselling. Though we were strangers when she came in and it was not intended to  be a counselling session, my experience in counselling helped me to create an atmosphere of confidence and she felt free to speak about herself. Once she was able to release her emotions and became mentally free, she was able to look at the event in a new perspective and see how she was contributing to the problem.  As she said, she was not able to look at her husband in the same way as before;  but she was not aware of that. She was also not aware of the husband’s feelings and his reaction. Now she understood that  the source of the problem was not their busy schedule, but her feelings which she was willing to change now.

I asked Rekha one more question, “You lived like this for the last nine years without any major problem  and perhaps you may go on like this for many more years; but since you  are  not too warm towards each other, suppose either of you found someone warm and understanding, could that trigger a new relationship, I mean an extra-marital relationship ?” Rekha was taken aback. “I am sorry if my question upset you,” I said.  “No, No,” she said. “I can’t allow such a thing to happen. No, I will not. I will see that we come closer, ” she insisted.

After a  month Rekha phoned and thanked me profusely saying that it had become like having a new life. She had become much more cordial with her husband and he too was responding. They were certainly experiencing a new life after nine years!  My response to her was, “Yes ! Counselling can do wonders and you are the  proof!”

One question is, if her husband could have helped Rekha to work out the feelings as I did. The answer is, yes and no. It is possible if the husband can  put aside his  feelings and function like an impartial counsellor to help her with her feelings. This is extremely difficult for any husband. Usually the husband will have his own feelings about the incident and so his reaction to her feelings may not be helpful to her. Instead, it may evoke counter reaction from her and thus the conflict can escalate. So it is advisable to have a third person to mediate. Here again there can  be difficulty.

If the third person is not impartial he or she can do more harm than good.  That is what happens when parents or relatives intervene. They poison the mind of the person against the other and instead of helping to work out the  feelings, they can reinforce feelings.  Organisations which go by one-sided thinking also can do similar harm. Hence third person need to be carefully chosen.

I would recommend persons specialised in marriage counselling to help with marital problems. It is also good to remember that small, forgotten incidents like the one of Rekha can diminish the peace and  joy of married like.  You can have a very beautiful life if you can free yourself from the hidden feelings of those forgotten  events. That will also serve as a preventive measure to insulate your marriage against any catastrophe.

Suman’ s father has become very anxious these days . He is worried about the change he sees in  the boy. Suman used to be a sweet kid, very docile, respectful and would share every bit  of information with his parents. Now he has become incommunicative, irritable and argumentative.  “If he becomes like this at sixteen, what will the state when  he grows up?” asks the father.

Many parents have difficulty to deal with the  children in their teens. Patents may think that they are doing the right thing . But it turns out to harmful for the boy or girl.  Some knowledge is required to help your teen to navigate through the difficult years  of their life

This reveals the father’s ignorance about what happens to children when they grow up.  Parents should know that the children are overwhelmed by  a multitude of changes when they enter the stage of adolescence.  The transition happening during this period from childhood to adulthood is not very smooth. It is usually classified as a period of turmoil.  The adolescents themselves are not able to understand what is happening to them and how they are coming to be. Quite naturally, they become very anxious about themselves, much more than the parents becoming anxious about them.

Underlying these changes is the urge to find their own identity and the need to become independent to lay the foundation of  their own life, which has to be distinct and different from the lives of their parents. During childhood they would try to imitate the parents. Then they blindly followed the parent’s guidance and held on to the parents’ views and values. But now there is an inner compulsion to break away from these to have their own view points, ideas and values.  So, they have a need to question, test and rediscover everything for themselves. They need to have their own experience and lessons learned from their experience.

Here come the need to break away from the parental control. But parents try to keep them in their grip because parents think that these are still children who need to be guided, controlled, protected and cared for.  This leads to a tussle between parents and the teens. Parents see the adolescent’s attempt to be independence as disobedience. At the same time these youngsters love the parents and want to be obedient to them. So, the boys and girls experience a tremendous tension within themselves, between the necessity to obey the parents and need to become independent. This tension is also a cause of suffering for them especially when the parents blame them and shout at them for disobedience. The result is a terrible guilt feeling that haunts them day and night.

An important factor here is the emotional stress caused by the parental affection when there is  too much attachment. The children experience a tremendous amount of mental strain when parents are  displeased. So, the tension they experience between the desire to be obedient  and the need to be independent become much more than in the past when there were many children and parents were not so much attached to the children. The parents too experience enormous amount of anxiety when the boy or girl tries to break away for their grip.   This anxiety if twofold. On the one hand  there is a fear that the boy or girl may get spoiled. Together with that is an unconscious fear of losing the child as the parents already experience an emotional distance from the child.  So the tension between parents and children during adolescence is much more these days than in the past.

It is usually said that parents should become like friends or buddies. That was true in the past when there were many children who received very little attention and parents were figures of authority and discipline. There was a gap between parents and children and parents used to be very frightful.

But now with only one or children,  most parents have become like play mates. The children have become much more bold and demanding.  At the same time parents are not in a position to say “No” to the children. Most parents are afraid to say anything to the adolescent boy of girl for the fear that they may do something unpleasant.  So we see some parents giving the children a free run and they justify it saying that  we need to give them freedom. Then they impose checks and controls which the youngster rebel against.  In any case, to say that parents should become like  children’s friends of buddies is an exaggeration. Friendship and parent- child relationship can not be the same. What is meant is that parents need to create a relationship of understanding so that the youngster can come to them confidently for guidance.

The adolescents  need guidance, not in the form of do’s and don’ts, but in the form of dialogue with information on what can happen if…..  It is necessary to listen to them first and try to understand their view point before telling them anything. Instead of telling them what to do or not to do, it is better to ask them questions and let them say what they will do or will not do. If there is a cordial relationship, you can confidently believe that they will reveal a good sprit and do what they think is right. That is what we have found during our workshops for young boys and girls. When we ask them to write about their  roles and responsibilities, they enlist whatever we would like to tell them. So, they have the positive values in them. There is no need to tell them. There are also occasions when the parents have to be firm with them.

Whatever you may do, it will leave indelible marks in the mind your son or daughter. If you are positive it will be a source positive strength  throughout  the   life of the boy or girl. If you do it wrong it can remain in the mind as a festering wound causing problem for the whole life.

Some amount of conflict between adolescent children and parents is normal. It is part of their growing up. But our behaviour as parents should be such that they can be proud of us. On the other hand if we try to keep them under our control while our own life is far from the ideal we preach, they will be the first ones to blame us. So, our example should be the first guide for the children. If we can set a good example, we can be sure that they will have us as their ‘role model’ and build their lives on our example. Instead, if we keep on criticising that will not have any positive result.

In short, what the adolescents need most is understanding.  Parents need to understand their state of mind, the turmoil they go through, their struggle for identity, their concern about how they are faring, the sense of guilt and inadequacy which haunts them.  When the parents are able to understand their anguish and aspirations, they are in a better position to guide the adolescents  lovingly and positively.

Acceptance is equally important. We need to accept them as persons trying create a unique identity of their own.  For this it is necessary to separate the person from actions. They may have many faults defects. They also have many things positive in them. Picking up only the negative and labelling them as, “You are lazy,”  You are irresponsible” etc. does more harm than good. So, we adults need to change our perception, attitude and approach towards our teens if we truly want to guide them. If we can appreciate them, encourage them and motivate them to set boundaries  for themselves, giving the necessary room and concessions for their individuality independence, that is the best way to help them to grow up as responsible persons.

Ritesh and Shilpa are both working. Usually they come home more or less at the same time. Sometime either of them has to work overtime and may come home late. One day Shipla came nearly two hours late. She said that she had an assignment and that made her to be late. Ritesh was not convinced. He thought that she visited her brother in the next village before coming home. He and her brother were not on talking terms and he feared that her brother would poison her mind against him.

Now Ritesh has two choices.  One, to accept Shilpa’s explanation and be satisfied with that.  If he did  that, there would be no confrontation. But he would not be sure if she was telling the truth.  The other choice is to confront her and ask if she went to her brother’s house. If he does that she may admit and say she did. But then, a clash would be inevitable because he had forbidden her to visit her brother.  It is difficult to predict the outcome of such a clash. There is every possibility that it can  end up in a big quarrel.  If on the other hand  Shilpa insistently reiterated that she did not visit her brother and she was late due to the work in the office, Ritesh would be still left with the doubt if she was telling the truth. If truly she was held up in the office, she would feel hurt that he did not believe her and that would arouse bitter feelings between them. Let us assume that Shilpa actually visited her brother for a valid reason and she did not want to say that to Ritesh fearing a confrontation.  Ritesh’s insistence to know the truth will only lead to the clash she wanted avoid. Ritesh’s fear was that  her brother he would turn her mind against him. But now if he confronted her the ensuing argument also can poison her mind against him.  So, in either case, confronting her will be counter productive. The usual tendency is to react without thinking and the worst thing happens.

What Ritesh can do is to accept what Shipla has said and tell her later at a suitable time in a nice way how much he is worried that her brother can cause enmity between them. Ritesh would need some patience and self-control to do that and he also needs to trust her. If there is trust between the two of them, Ritesh would not be worried if she is telling the truth. Moreover when there is trust he can presume that her brother will not succeed to poison her mind against him. In other words, his anxiety shows that there is a deficit of trust and their relationship is on shaky grounds.  That is where they needs to work on.

Mutual openness is very important for mutual understanding and mutual trust.   At the same time openness does no mean revealing everything.  Total openness is not practical in married  life. It is not always possible or even advisable to say everything  to your spouse.  Sometimes you may have to hide certain things  from your partner to avoid misunderstanding.  But sometimes is sometimes. If you always try to get away with stories and explanations, be sure that your partner will not trust you.  Similarly you should not always insist on knowing everything. Prying into everything shows a lack of trust. Everybody has an area of privacy and that should be respected.  In other words, openness and privacy can coexist. Where there is trust there is room for privacy and respect for privacy.

Openness together with respect for privacy  and mutual trust paves the way for  intimacy. Trust is the main ingredient for intimacy between spouses. Here by ‘intimacy’ I mean the blending of two beings into one. Where there is no openness there is no trust and where there is no trust there is no real intimacy.  That does not mean that intimacy will follow if there  is total openness and trust. Intimacy is the prize of conjugal life and both have to strive to achieve that total oneness of the intimacy which ultimately leads to a blissful union. (See the article. “Why should this happen?”)

Everybody likes to speak. Few think of listening. Most people think that ‘Communication’ is conveying what is in one’s mind. There are many manuals and courses to guide you to make yourself heard,  how to motivate people with your words etc. We do not hear much about courses on listening . But listening is a very important factor in building relationships especially family life.

There are few things we need to keep in mind about listening in family life. The first thing is to have an active interest in the person. Listen to the person, not only to the words. Let your listening show how much you love your mate.

Listening is not the same as hearing. In listening the focus is on paying attention. When  I listen, I pay attention to the speaker and to what is said. So, listening is not only receiving what is said, but also a relationship between me and the one who is speaking. For that reason it is necessary to remember that in family life listening is very important to build the relationship.

Quality of my hearing will depend on the quality of my listening. That will depend on my mental and physical disposition at the time of listening,  attitude and feeling towards the speaker, my interest in the subject etc.

Problems occur in family life when both partners want to speak while both are not well disposed to listen. An example is when both come together after a day of hard work and both are tired. Both have something to say and each one is itching to say that. Both want  to get the attention and complain, “You are not listening to me.” At such time your husband will feel disgusted if you begin to pour out your mind when he is not in a mood to listen. If it happens often, your husband will develop a resistance to listen to you and finally not paying attention to you will become a habit.  Similarly if you are the husband and you begin to tell many things or ask many questions when your wife is not inclined to listen, she may not hear most of what you say and if you do it often, she will lose interest in listening to you. Gradually you will see that you are moving apart from each other.  So the first principle here is,  “Look before you speak.”  See if your partner is tired, preoccupied or busy. Speak when you partner is free enough to listen to you. When both are tired or preoccupied it is better to limit the conversation to the essentials, but show your concern for each other through nonverbal signs.

And when you listen, do it with full attention. If you are unable to give full attention, ask for a time when both of you are disposed to listen to each other. But later it is your duty to remind if your partner forgets, so that you do not give the impression that you are avoiding the issue.

When two young persons are in love they listen not only to what is said, but also to the person.  In fact they give more importance to the person than the words spoken.  So also in family life, listening has a special significance because you are interested not only in the topic but also in the person. Your spouse is your life partner and your wellbeing and happiness depends very much on his or her wellbeing and happiness. So when you pay attention to your partner you not only hear the content but also to show concern and interest in the person through your body language. But most of the time we get carried away by the topic and forget the person. When there is a the difference of opinion we get into argument and in the end we  lose the dialogue and the relationship.

The more important thing is to be more interested in listening than speaking. Always listen to your partner’s point of view before you speak out your mind. When you listen attentively, you are indirectly saying, “You are important to me.” Even if you do not agree with what your partner says, the fact that you have listened attentively gives a satisfaction to your partner that you respect your partner’s point of view.

There are few things we need to keep in mind about listening in family life. The first thing is to have an active interest in the person. Then comes the desire to listen. After that  comes the habit of listening with full attention to the content and the person.

When you pay attention to what is said and also to the person, you understand the content and also the feelings. Your partner feels satisfied and says, “You have UNDERSTOOD ME.” So, the quality of your listening will be determined by the satisfaction your partner experiences for having spoken to you. You too will be satisfied that you have understood your partner. Thus your patient and attentive listening brings satisfaction to both of you.

Here the body language is very important. Usually in inter-personal communication our body language communicates our mind more than the words we speak. We can say, “I love you” very sarcastically or angrily or we can say, “I hate you” with a very loving smile.  The listener gets the correct message from our body language.  When someone smiles, we can easily understand what kind of smile it is – a sarcastic smile, condescending smile, ridiculing smile, angry smile, a pretended smile or a hearty loving smile.  Our attitudes come across through our body language. Body does not lie. So, in inter-personal communication the attitude is very important.  When we listen we can make sure that we have an attitude of love and respect and then listening becomes a tool to cement our spousal relationship. When we think in these terms we see how lucky we are to have so much opportunity to deepen our bond. So, let us not miss these golden opportunities to listen to each other and use them to strengthen our love.  Let us also be aware that if we are not careful about our listening the opposite also can happen.

The man comes home, tired. It was a bad day.  He sinks into the sofa, Understands that his wife is already  home. He asks for water.  No response. He does not understand the his wife did not hear him. Gets irritated. His thoughts, “Who cares for me ? She is not interested in me any more. My duty is only to give. They (she and the child) are interested only in what I provide.  They don’t want me.”  Asks for water again. His tone echoes irritation. Wife thinks, “Why should he always command me like that ? Am I his maid servant ? He would be polite even with a maid, but not with me. I have no place in this house!”   But she does not say anything. She gives him water. He looks at her. His eyes reflect his irritation. She looks away, but  not before he noticed her displeasure.  She goes inside and shouts at their daughter. He knows that actually she is angry with him and she is venting it on  the child.  He feels bad and wonders why she should be angry with him. He only asked for water and that has irritated her so much! What is wrong with her, he wonders. He just can not understand.   The rest of the evening goes without any communication between them.

Most couples actually miss the way caught up in their own self, unable to get out of their ‘ego’. A few understand the joy of trusting and giving oneself. The understand that marriage is a self-gift. You gift yourself to your beloved, without reservation and what you get is an immense joy and inseparable oneness  

Usually they would eat dinner together. But today she says she will have it later. “Is there anything wrong? He asks.    “No,” she says. Every day after the meal he would help her with the dishes. But today he is confused because she is yet to have dinner. He goes to the kitchen and asks, “Is there anything I can do?” “No,” says she.   Now he can not contain himself any longer. He yells at her,  “What is wrong with you?” She just gives him a cold share, but no words, not wanting to pick up a fight. He feels disgusted and goes to the living room.

At night he feels the urge. He needs her. He thinks, as all men think though wrongly, that sex is the best way to a woman’s heart. But he does not dare. Finally he takes the initiative and she obliges. However he can feel that her heart is not there. Now he feels outraged and curses himself and curses her. If only he could remain without marrying like the monks, he thinks. Days, weeks and months go by and the gap between them keep widening. He is at a loss  not knowing what to do. She too does not know what is happening between them.

One day he tells her, “We need to  talk.” She is happy that he has come forward. She too was feeling the need to talk. But they do not know where to start. Finally he takes courage and says, “ I don’t know what is wrong with you.”  “Wrong with me?” she retorts. “Nothing is wrong with me! You see what is wrong with you!” she screams. Both shout at each other.  All the bottled up anger comes out. All these months they had tried to avoid a fight. Now what they feared has happened. Both feel bad and they cool down. In their heart, each decides not to fight any more. Nothing can be done to bridge the gap between them, they think. Now the only thing is to carry on somehow. Occasionally, their dissatisfaction would show up.  Again they would cool down and go on somehow. They are resigned to the fact that nothing can be done to repair their broken relationship.  The only question now is, how long they can go on in this manner. When they hear of a divorce somewhere they think, “May be, we too should divorce.” But they stick  on together for the sake of the child. But there is no joy,  no satisfaction.

This appears to be the story of many families. But is there another way ? Suppose it happen this way? The man comes home very tired. It was a bad day indeed. He sinks into the sofa. He understands that his wife is already home. He asks for water. There is no response. He thinks, “She too may be tired.

Or may be unwell. Let me see.”  He gets up and goes to the kitchen. Asks, “Hello! Where are you ? Are you OK ?” “Yes!” she says. He sees that she is very tired.  “Had a bad day ?”He asks.  “It was awful!” she says. Mine was not better,” he replies. Her eyes reveal her concern for him. She notices that his eyes are on the glass in the shelf as he thinks that he would help himself. But before he moves she takes the glass, pours water and gives it to him. “I am glad that I have a wife who understands my needs even before I ask,” he says. “And my husband enquires about how tired I am when he himself is tired, says she. They look at each other and their love works like a tonic. The weariness is gone and they feel refreshed. They are Indians and so they don’t kiss each other as the couple in the west do. But their eyes speak the language of their hearts. It is like saying, “Look into my eyes and hear what I have not said.” He offers to help her with the cooking. But she says with a smile, “You  better go and relax.” He knows that his help is a hindrance to her, because cooking is not in his line. He just stands there and watches her for some time. She feels happy  when he looks at her with so much love. Then goes to the living room.  And he helps her with the dishes after dinner.

It is not that they do not quarrel. They can be very angry and they do not hide that. They don’t yell at each other. They express their anger and say what they want to say.  But they don’t hurt or insult each other. They know that some frictions are part of family life. Yet it is very painful. The more love there is, the more pain there is. The more pain they feel the more love they experience as if love is experienced in pain. Then they make it up. They speak out their pain and bring out their feelings. That is where their mutual respect is seen as they understand the feelings of each other and support each other.  Then they feel a tremendous peace and indeed they experience an incredible oneness.

Married for twenty or thirty years their love is as fresh as the love of young couples, but very deep with a trust that is inexplicable. It is a love that keeps growing. And when they make love it is a real expression of their love and it is blissful.

Such couples may be rare. It requires some maturity on their part to live such a love-life. Love is ‘give and take’. It in not only giving and not only taking. It is not also ‘take and give’. ‘Give’ comes first. The more you give the more you receive. This may sound like poetry. But  that is the reality. If you think only of giving, you will become a self-sacrificing martyr. That only shows that you are a coward or a weak personality who can not tell your partner how you feel. You are actually afraid of displeasing your partner. You want to please your partner because you want your partner for yourself. Trust is wanting here and it is not love. Love has two sides. It is not only giving; it is also receiving. You need satisfaction and you deserve it. You also need to know how to get.

On the opposite side are the people who ask, “What have I gained by marrying this person?” They only think of ‘taking’. It is not a ‘give and take’. It means, ‘I try to get what I can and you try to get what you can.’ Both are trying only to ‘take’  and both are not satisfied, because there is no love; there is only an illusion of love.  Instead they could ask, “What can I do to make my partner truly happy?” If they do that they would be so satisfied that they would not feel the need to ask what they gained.

So, it is ‘give and take’. Readiness to give comes first. It is a total giving; It is a letting go fully and totally. It is a total trust. It is like,  I don’t try to please you; I don’t try to get anything from you in return. I don’t even look for your love. I just love. When I love with such an unselfish love, it has a power of its own and you just melt in my love as I melt into yours. That melting of two persons into one is called ‘love’. It is truly satisfying and it is immensely blissful. The more you give the more you receive.

Love is blind, they say. During courtship you don’t notice your sweetheart’s bad habits and blemishes.  You begin to notice them when the passion of the honeymoon is over. Then you see many things that are not to your liking.

“They taught you nothing” is a common complaint in Indian families, usually told to the young bride, referring to the wife’s parents. The wives too have similar complaints about the husbands. Your partner may have many faults and imperfections. Everybody has. You can not expect any parent, however good,  to train anyone according to your liking. That training has be to be done by you.

You have seen how they train the elephants and lions in the circus. You may not have seen the training itself. But you have seen how they manage these beasts.  Even more ferocious animals are trained.  These can not be trained as you train horses or elephants. Theses fierce animals do not tolerate any effort to frighten them. So the trainers use other tactics.

It may not be fair to compare husbands and wives with these animals. But we have to admit that all of us have some animal instinct in us. So, some of these techniques can work for human beings.

The simple method is to prize the acceptable behaviour and ignore the unacceptable behaviour. Here there is important principle to remember: When a  behaviour gets attention, the person’s mind gets focussed on that behaviour and it gets reinforced. Whether the attention is positive or negative, the result will be the same – the behaviour will be reinforced.  So, if you show displeasure in case of an unacceptable behaviour, the behaviour will be reinforced. But if a behaviour is ignored, it gets less attention of person and so the behaviour disappears.

So after telling your partner what you expect, do not pay any attention to the unacceptable behaviour,  but show appreciation when the behaviour is acceptable to you.

A person’s habitual behaviours can not be changed overnight. You will have to try this for several months and you will need a lot of patience and perseverance to train your partner.

There may be some habits or behaviours you will not be able to change. Take the example of the husband’s tendency to dominate over the wife.  You may have a husband who vehemently promotes women’s empowerment and insists on giving her equal rights. But you disobey him in public and he will feel very hurt. You may mange to change him to a point. But beyond that you have to put up with some amount of bossiness.

The important thing is to know what can be changed and what can not be. Here it will be useful to remember the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi: Lord, give me the courage the change what I can, the forbearance to endure what I can not and the wisdom to know the difference.

It is also good to remember that your partner too is tolerating some of your behaviours which are not according to his or her liking.