Ritesh and Shilpa are both working. Usually they come home more or less at the same time. Sometime either of them has to work overtime and may come home late. One day Shipla came nearly two hours late. She said that she had an assignment and that made her to be late. Ritesh was not convinced. He thought that she visited her brother in the next village before coming home. He and her brother were not on talking terms and he feared that her brother would poison her mind against him.

Now Ritesh has two choices.  One, to accept Shilpa’s explanation and be satisfied with that.  If he did  that, there would be no confrontation. But he would not be sure if she was telling the truth.  The other choice is to confront her and ask if she went to her brother’s house. If he does that she may admit and say she did. But then, a clash would be inevitable because he had forbidden her to visit her brother.  It is difficult to predict the outcome of such a clash. There is every possibility that it can  end up in a big quarrel.  If on the other hand  Shilpa insistently reiterated that she did not visit her brother and she was late due to the work in the office, Ritesh would be still left with the doubt if she was telling the truth. If truly she was held up in the office, she would feel hurt that he did not believe her and that would arouse bitter feelings between them. Let us assume that Shilpa actually visited her brother for a valid reason and she did not want to say that to Ritesh fearing a confrontation.  Ritesh’s insistence to know the truth will only lead to the clash she wanted avoid. Ritesh’s fear was that  her brother he would turn her mind against him. But now if he confronted her the ensuing argument also can poison her mind against him.  So, in either case, confronting her will be counter productive. The usual tendency is to react without thinking and the worst thing happens.

What Ritesh can do is to accept what Shipla has said and tell her later at a suitable time in a nice way how much he is worried that her brother can cause enmity between them. Ritesh would need some patience and self-control to do that and he also needs to trust her. If there is trust between the two of them, Ritesh would not be worried if she is telling the truth. Moreover when there is trust he can presume that her brother will not succeed to poison her mind against him. In other words, his anxiety shows that there is a deficit of trust and their relationship is on shaky grounds.  That is where they needs to work on.

Mutual openness is very important for mutual understanding and mutual trust.   At the same time openness does no mean revealing everything.  Total openness is not practical in married  life. It is not always possible or even advisable to say everything  to your spouse.  Sometimes you may have to hide certain things  from your partner to avoid misunderstanding.  But sometimes is sometimes. If you always try to get away with stories and explanations, be sure that your partner will not trust you.  Similarly you should not always insist on knowing everything. Prying into everything shows a lack of trust. Everybody has an area of privacy and that should be respected.  In other words, openness and privacy can coexist. Where there is trust there is room for privacy and respect for privacy.

Openness together with respect for privacy  and mutual trust paves the way for  intimacy. Trust is the main ingredient for intimacy between spouses. Here by ‘intimacy’ I mean the blending of two beings into one. Where there is no openness there is no trust and where there is no trust there is no real intimacy.  That does not mean that intimacy will follow if there  is total openness and trust. Intimacy is the prize of conjugal life and both have to strive to achieve that total oneness of the intimacy which ultimately leads to a blissful union. (See the article. “Why should this happen?”)