I remember a story I heard many years ago. A vendor used to sell bananas in a railway station. The buyers ate the bananas and threw the peels here and there.  People rushing to board the trains stepped on the peels, slipped and got hurt.  So, an organisation put up a banner in big letters, “Beware! Don’t step on the banana peals.” That did not help because people were hurrying for the train  and did not even look at the banner.   Another organisation set up a fist aid booth to treat the injured passengers. Everybody praised the organisation for their dedicated service. This went on for some time. Then another organisation got a better idea.   They  kept a dust bin near the banana shop and told the vendor to make sure that all those who bought bananas dropped the peels in the dust bin.  That solved the  problem.

With a proactive mindset and little effort we can prevent domestic violence and marital breakdown.

A similar thing seems to be happening in the social sector these days. Arati’s case is an example. Separated From the husband eight years ago and most of the time sick, she had no income to  support herself and her child of six years. An organisation came forward to help her with a sponsorship for the child. They enrolled her in a self-help group.   Now she is happy that she is able to stand on her own feet and her child is able to go to school. The organisation has been active in the village for over twenty years. Their main activity is rescuing battered women and helping them to stand in life.  They have helped many such women. Some banks also came forward to support the organisation with loans for the SHG groups.

However, the question here is, if this kind of social work is like the story of the banana peels.  Was Aarti’s husband a drunkard when he got married ? What happed in their early married life that drove him to drinking ?  At the time of marriage did he have the intention to beat his wife ? If the organisation were to help the young couple at that time when they were struggling to find their way in their marital relationship,  would it not have saved Arati from becoming dependent on anybody’s kindness?

Young women, some of them married six moths, one year or more,  come to us with the  complaint that the husband is drinking and torturing them. We get both partners for counselling. The husband blames wife. The wife blames the husband.  But both are not able to pinpoint what exactly is the source of the problem. This inability to find the root cause is the crux of the problem.   We help them to sort their problem and then they are happy to find their way in life.

Sumati’s case is a typical example. She was married for twelve years.  She was working and so, had no economic problem. Her complaint was that her husband, Tushar, was rude to her, he was a liar, lazy, drinking, no interest in the family, not bothered about their daughter who is now 10 and so on.  Sumati was totally discouraged and wanted to sue for divorce. But she had difficulty to make up her mind. She said that before marriage her husband lied to her saying that he was drawing a salary of Rs 10000,  his father owned 12 Bigha ( 4 acre) of land and  big house and he was the only heir etc. After marriage, when Sumati came to know that he earned not more than Rs 2000 and owned only a small piece of land and a tiny hut, she was discouraged beyond measure. But she did not say anything. She tried to adjust to the situation and carried on.  But he was indifferent to her from the beginning. She thought he had another love. But she found that there was none. He seemed to be more interested in his friends than her. She could not understand why.

In the process of counselling I found that though it was an arranged marriage. Tushar fell in love with Sumati at the very first sight. But being very poor with very little income while she was more educated and was earning much more than him, he thought that her family would not agree to the marriage if he told the truth. So he lied to her about the salary land etc. He thought that after marriage he would tell her the truth and apologise. He did that and she said it was Ok.  But she was always unhappy, not talking to anyone in the house, very often not wanting to eat and making a long face if anyone asked her anything. She would oblige him for his needs. But her heart was not there.

So, each time instead of feeling satisfied, he felt disgusted. He could not understand what was the cause of her unhappiness. He tried to give her gifts with borrowed money. But that made her the more angry. He was at a loss about how to make her happy.  He was so disheartened that he wanted to kill himself. But his friends dissuaded him. Then he took to drinking. But he never beat his wife. Before marriage he used to be very active and he was the one who would take any initiative in the local club; But with the frustration of marriage he lost interest in everything and was trying somehow to drag on with life.

His mother and other family members could not understand why Sumati was unhappy. But they too did not say anything. Then Sumati wanted to live separate from his parents. That was very painful to Tushar as he was the only child of his parents. He could not think of abandoning them in their old age. But he obliged his wife for the sake of peace. However, separation from the parents did not help to improve their relationship.

After two sessions of counselling, first separate and then together, both of them understood the feelings of each other. Tushar understood how Sumati was disheartened because of his lies about his income and property. Sumati understood that he lied to her because he loved her and wanted her by all means and he still loved her. She also understood how her unhappiness affected him and how disillusioned he had become. I made them understand that it is not a question of blaming either of them but seeing what could be done now to remedy the situation. I told them that they could still make a new beginning and have a happy life. Both agreed to try. Tushar said that he would give up drinking. I told him that it may not be easy. But he should keep trying. Sumati promised to encourage and support him in his effort.  Now,  four months after the counselling, Tushar has given up drinking and they are happy together for the first time in their married life!

 Many young couples struggle hard to get along with each other after marriage, not able to understand each other and not knowing how to make each other happy. Then there is the problem with the in-laws. Organisations can do a great service to these couples by helping them to get over these hurdles. That would be a preventive measure against domestic violence and separation. Instead, if we keep quiet and wait for the marriage to break down and then come to the aid of the women,  we can say that we have ‘rescued’ them; but  can we really say that we have helped these unfortunate women who had a dream of leading a happy family life ? Whom are we actually fooling ?

Such preventive measures may not catch the public eye and bring accolade for the  organisation. These days there is a tendency to look for visibility more than the impact. If long lines of patients line up for medicine before a free dispensary that gets noticed. If people become aware of health, hygiene and preventive measures and do not need much medical care, that is not visible. If a devastating natural calamity occurs, the organisations providing relief get visibility. If the people learn to be prepared for the disaster in advance and so the impact of the hazard is minimised, it may not get much attention. Similarly, those who strive to promote family relationship and prevent marital breakdown get very little notice compared to those who wait for the family to be disintegrated and then take measures to rehabilitate the separated women.

We say, “Prevention is better than cure.” But do we really believe it ?